i hope this is my last good bye

He hates small talk. He likes to sleep and avoid the reality in contemporary displacement. He’s tired of me worrying about him and tells me he does not care. An internal struggle battling his demons with evident exhaustion through his eyes. On good days he is yellow like his rain jacket. He likes in-depth conversations and postulates existence. We walk under grey clouds and attempt to understand each other’s problems. His words wrap around me like a warm blanket offering solace as the harsh wind try to force me down into the earth. He becomes attractive and shows a genuine smile like yesterday never happened. He says he loves me. Then it is the next day but he is still pretending like yesterday never happened. He pretends like we never happened. We immediately become distant.

A sense of pain spikes from my chest like daggers penetrating it over and over again, nonstop. Betrayal. Inconsolable longing. I lose track of how many days passed by. They say time will heal but I am stubborn. I try to open my mouth but his facial expression darkens. He doesn’t tell me to change when I apologize. He never seems to know what he wants besides the one I dread. As if the labyrinth inside his mind reached a dead end. More days pass. Not a single one goes without the thought of him.

I hate empty promises. I like to show affection and reassure the purpose of existence is unique.  I am tired of his third person narrative and tell him to let me through the wall. A soft echo resonating in a vacant room with no gateway. On bad days I am grey like those clouds. I hate the abrupt instability and the revelation of hazy navigation. We sit on carpeted floors and I tell him my secrets. Both saying words but not saying enough. His fixates his gaze on mine almost catching me off guard and a strange feeling emerges inside of me. I become hesitant and trip on words. Shapes traced on the carpet. Finally some self-complacent after a long and weary toil. Head on chest and a close embrace like last time. Two more time. Then it is the next day. And once again he is pretending like yesterday never happened. He pretends like we never happened. We are almost like strangers. He is upbeat and animated and becomes a jouster. radiate resentment and sheer annoyance. I become a bubble
 Eye contact still made across the room.

Some questions still not ready to be asked. 

Avoidance - > unexpected night

Lab report

LoL

I have an overactive imagination

Because I accidentally fell in love with you.

Whenever you speak to me, just when I thought I stopped having feelings for you. you are still on my mind.

the day i say good bye.

Tomorrow is graduation day. Finally

I feel so troubled. Like everything is starting to renormalize and like nothing has ever happened between us. From a biological standpoint, I envisioned a protein folding back to its native state.

And here I am standing between the two roads, as I described to you that one time. That one poem by Robert Frost, except this time, the pathways lead into two completely different possibilities, one of which is less traveled. I could either play along your rules and become more distant. Or I could keep trying to reach out for you and ask you sc

i am mad at him because he made plans with me but didnt really follow through. and even more awkward because he made it awkward between his girlfriend and me.

then the entire night was literally forced and awkward. like i didnt feel welcomed by him. no intereaction between us.

i think i decided to be mad

how long did that take?

almost 10 weeks.

i think that ive almost recovered.

i heard that you were going to graduate next fall.

and i remember you telling me youll live until you graduate.











why does it suddenly feel like
you are physically removed from this planet?

and why is my heart sinking so much again.