i am mad at him because he made plans with me but didnt really follow through. and even more awkward because he made it awkward between his girlfriend and me.

then the entire night was literally forced and awkward. like i didnt feel welcomed by him. no intereaction between us.

i think i decided to be mad

how long did that take?

almost 10 weeks.

i think that ive almost recovered.

i heard that you were going to graduate next fall.

and i remember you telling me youll live until you graduate.











why does it suddenly feel like
you are physically removed from this planet?

and why is my heart sinking so much again.

I was never supposed to be in the picture in the first place.

So I will slowly erase the graphite etched on the paper.

Isn't that what you wanted?

But why do I still hesitate?

you got me thinking everyday

Because I am frustrated at myself with the punchline that was twenty-three years in the making. Because my mother was right the entire time. Because I didn’t want to swallow down my pride although I truly believed I was wrong in the back side of my mind.

In the end, it is you. You must rely on yourself.

At this point, I can foreshadow the future. I am no better than Eaton, who cycles through the motions subconsciously. And although I acknowledge that perhaps this was my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten so emotionally involved. I always thought I could change someone’s life. It was the reciprocation I craved as an adolescent with the ambition of becoming a doctor. I try to convince myself that I was obsessed with the science. But in reality, I’m obsessed with the fluctuation of emotions.

A selfish part of me almost wish I didn’t stay longer any longer at Katie’s apartment, triggering the chain of events I coincidentally become involved in. Because in the end, I somehow ended up suffering more than everyone. As much to my demise, all of the effort put into this almost seems irrelevant.

I want to go away and live without relying on anyone. Perhaps I will do that after finals. Vanish without a trace.

Things I thought:

Confiding my secrets for the first time to this person who I thought deserved my trust. Because he revealed himself to me, and doing this would set us both on equal footing. I thought that I loved you, which would explain my every need and desire to be with you. I believed your words, and thought we would help each other find an answer. Perhaps that would give him some purpose in life and he would cease to attempt anything to hurt himself. Because maybe he thinks he needs to take care of me too. At least that’s what I was hoping.

Things I know:

I am foolish and I let my heart control me more than my brain. This would be partially my mistake. I do agree to some extent that I was overwhelming, clingy, annoying, and persistent. But you never told me no. I know that I had or still might have feelings for you. And although I do admit that revealing all of me was regrettable, I’m grateful that I was able to tell someone. That I like the way you look at me when you try. When I look at the last few weeks, it feels like I forced my way into yours and Katie’s friendship. Because I was coincidentally there when you had your episode.

But I am quite pissed because I don’t think anyone will know how much this impacted me. I gave Katie the ride to your place, I was the first to respond to your when you had your panic attack. I was the one who found your counsellor to help you control yourself. I stopped you from killing yourself by “being nosy.” I told everyone so we could try and help you: Katie, Anita, your Parents, Jim. I gave Jim your discharge papers so that he could try and help you. I tried to keep you over the weekend to prevent you from overdosing on medication. And between all of those events: you were consistently mean and hurtful. I had to sacrifice myself for the sake of others and deal with you hurting me. Fuck man. Now I realize that I am not as strong as I thought I was. The outcome of all of this may not seem worth it for me: I lost a lot of weight because food no longer has taste, the thought of your is completely distracting, that I had to find other friends to fill that void you left in my heart. I failed all of my biochemistry exams, quizzes, and dropped linear algebra. I really sucked academically this term! My chance of killing myself has decreased because I had to watch you go through the motions.

But you know, I think my depression got worse. I look in the river and know that this is the one thing that would be successful. Get hyperthermia, constrict blood flow, loose oxygen in the brain. Die. I don’t think that I would be any better if you had died that night. Two funerals in a month would result in the same thing.

Maybe you aren’t ready yet, but you never acknowledged or showed gratitude for everything above. You really suck.

Things I will do:

Focus on school until finals, which is ten days. Delete all social media apps, remain invisible to everyone but only answer text messages, phone calls, and in person conversation? Work out and eat better to get healthier. Test the waters with Eaton I suppose. I’m secretly hoping he tries to reach out to me. And if he notices my reluctance, ask if he’s ready to talk? Yell at him. Ask for him to explain everything and if he still means any of it. Didn’t you say you’ll help me find the answers together? Why was it always me trying to reach out to you? It’s as if you used the word love so carelessly. You really hurt me. I told you everything but you really hurt me.

I want you to be “nosy” too because that’s what happens when friends get closer. I want you to

Dear E.F,

Actually fuck you.

Because you are probably the worse friend I had and I've given you plenty of chances to redeem yourself. I have been really patient the last few weeks.

You kind of remind me of my cat who catches its prey, just to torture it until he looses interest. And as my cat walk away, the fly is left on the floor on its back, struggling to get on its feet whatever remaining strength is left.

So yes, fuck you.

Also, fuck myself. For the feelings I had for you and for the type of people who I'm attracted to. I found myself chasing the same type of person, and it's quite pathetic that I set that bar really low. And to be honest, I didn't have any romantic feelings for you until you wanted me to touch your hand when we went out that Sunday. And it grew fonder when you stayed over my place during the storm because you were saying weird flattering shit. I really thought that you could replace TM because at one point we really connected and I felt like you truly understood me and I truly understood you. I never wanted to fall in love with you, but perhaps your attracted quality was how you seem to need me and that I thought I could save you. And how it seemed that you understood pain and suffering the same way I do.

You revealed to me some of your charming qualities. Some of your vulnerability, and crying for help. Wanting to pay for meals despite not having money. Small harmless compliments on things which are often overlooked at. My favorite memory was when you walked me out to the front of your house to make sure I leave okay that night we talked about my problems. Then you picking me up outside the library so I don't have to bike back home pretty late at night. Having you telling me you loved me.

But you are mean and moody. Difficult to read, indecisive, inconsistent, dense, cold, unwelcoming. You make me regret opening myself up and revealing so much of me to you. You almost make me regret even helping you through such a hard time. The sudden distance you placed between us really messed me up.

Your actions and behavior falter, and you gravitate towards the first item that sits on your plate.  As a bystander, you seem to wander in the wrong paths. You know those video games where you complete an objective for each area? Once you get what you wanted, you continue on. Then you ask yourself why you keep playing this game when you only accomplish the small quests. Perhaps it's because you don't know how to continue the main story line, you're stuck, and you just want to quit the game.

But I'm really tired of reaching and reaching. In some sick sense, I think that you purposely let this happen for your own selfish reasons given the fact you said that you could tell I really care. It's really stupid that I thought we had something special going on between us, and you were actually someone I could rely on.

So we go on with our lives.

You will keep making short lived friendships. You will keep trying to search for the answers for your questions. When the answer doesn't come to you instantly, you will try to cope and deal with the pain in the most selfish way possible.

I will do my best to figure myself on my own and finish school. I will try to heal and not let our time together distract me too much. I'll pretend that you never said you loved me. I always wondered what the point of this friendship was.  It seems so evident now that you took all you needed from me so you could pretend this never happened. I hate to say that I was fighting for us to stay together because I wanted to prove you wrong.

Before I could move on, I would just like to know that you really, really hurt me. How could you even have the conscience to make me go through that emotional roller coaster just for everything to go back to the way they were? And I think about you everyday because I truly did love you. Hurt is when you feel a thousand needles stabbing your heart when you think about someone. It's when you write stupid blogs like to put your feelings into words because the person you thought you could trust wasn't the right now. A sense of betrayal, abandonment, sadness, grief, and pain which you may never understand.

So this is where I will stop.

Goodbye E.F., I wish you well. I hope you have friends to help you when you fall down. I hope your learned something from our interaction to prevent them from feeling the way I currently am. I hope you don't completely forget about me or anything that happened between us.

Storyline

Lead - After a series of events, she realizes that she needs to take back her life and rediscovers who she truly is.  She finally acknowledges the ugly truth in her current relationship and is trying to find an explanation for her foreign feelings.

Lead has feelings for both Fiance and Friend E.

Fiance - Has been with Lead for 8 years and has been achieving life-long dreams without accounting the Lead's effort and sacrifices she puts in the relationship. Currently experiencing problems with lead and is starting to notice the distance increase between them.

Friend K - Both Lead's and Friend E's best friend. Has had a history with Friend E, which was a potential love interest at first. 

Friend S - Friend B's boyfriend, complicated. Comfortable companionship, which could be Friend K's rebound after a recent break up from another complicated relationship. 

Friend E - Lead's good friend, but undistinguished boundaries of closeness after Lead saved him from suicide attempt. Although he told Lead he loved her, he's preventing himself from potentially falling in love with her by setting a distance that is acquaintance like based. 

Friend E has feelings for Friend A, Friend K, and Lead.

Friend A - Friend A's complicated relationship. She feels obligated to stay with Friend E after his suicide attempt, although their relationship has been worsening his depression.

What is love?

What is happiness?

Why do we suffer?

6 Questions

Dear E.F,

You owe me six answers because you allowed me to play my silly game with made up rules last night via text.

Question 1. What am I to you right now?
Because we clearly do not have the same relationship as you and KC or AC. Although, I do understand that there will be no relationship which are identical to each other. But I don't understand how you would treat me more coldly than KC.

Question 2. Do you still love me?
Because you really don't seem like you do. To some extent, I do believe you meant those words when you said them during the heat of the moment. Because I did stop you from killing yourself and went completely out of my way to make sure you were okay. But now as everything starts to normalize, I see us drifting further and further apart.

Question 3. If you do love me, why?
You said love is comfortable. But I am certain there is more than that which makes you able to say something so strong. It almost seems too soon to say that you love me because we've only got close that week. Have you always loved me?

Question 4. Did it bother you when I was showing affection?
Because you said I wasn't 'touching you enough,' and then I kinda went all out after that since I really wanted you to feel better and be okay. BUT THEN you told me how that stretch move was disrespecting their personal bubble and how it was awkward. I can't help but feel pretty insulted.

Question 5. Do you see through the holes in the walls with me? Do you think you know the answers for my questions?

Question 6. Did you know I fell in love with you?
Did you know I fell in love with you? Because you are comfortable to me and all I want is to make you happy right now. And maybe it's because I think I know you, the goods and bads, but yet I still want you to be with me. And maybe it's because I believe I could help you because I could see through you.

Dear E.F.

Dear E.F.,

I am not as tough as I thought I was, but it really hurts.

You probably don't care though.

Dear E.F.,

Dear E.F,

Have you ever felt your heart ache?

Well, that's what I've been experiencing ever since I stopped you from hanging yourself.

I thought things would get better to be honest. But it's been absolute torture for me because I've found myself slipping away and I just want to blame you for rippling the water.

I hate what I'm feeling, and I wish it would stop. Because I was once comfortable with the way how things were, and I finally came to terms with how my life was. But you brought out the me I've tried pushing away.

Now I question love.
I question happiness.
And I question the way my life should be lived.

I cannot keep you off my mind, and I don't know why. Perhaps it was the way you rippled the calm ocean, like a storm with large, dark clouds bringing the storm. And it aches for me to admit that I still love you.

I feel so mad because we are different now, and it hurts. I want you to need me, yet I don't want you to. I want to talk to you, but now things are so strange and you seem resentful. Like you stabbed my heart after I revealed me soul to you. And because of that, all I could hear are the echoes of your disgust towards me and its cutting the wounds back open.

I want to move on, but I feel completely stuck. Worse of all, I feel completely alone. I want to scream for help like you did, but I'm afraid. Because things aren't the same anymore. Because I think you would resent me, the one person who understood where I was coming from. Maybe I truly believe I am alone, and writing to you in my only solace.

Isn't it funny that I'm becoming to be like you in that sense?

I wish someone could take the pain away from me and tell me I'm overreacting.

Dear E.F.

It seems now these days I want to say a lot to you. Sometimes I hold it in because it isn't the right time. Sometimes I hold it in because I don't know how to put it into words. Bust most of all, I hold it in because I care about you.

Honestly, you have always been on my mind since you reached out to us last Friday. I am almost so angry that you had your triggers and reached out to me because I finally felt that my life was under control. I couldn't tell you that because I knew you wouldn't be able to handle the guilt, but deep down inside you knew. And actually, you mentioned it twice during the last two days.

Well, I'm thinking too much maybe. Just as you said when I rested my head on your shoulders, forcing you to watch this anime while we took a break from studying.

And even though you are doing better now than you were a couple days ago, I'm still having trouble sleeping and eating. An unpleasant churning above my rib cage that's been way too familiar since you reached out. More so, I think that churning has transitioned from upset that you're suffering to upset that I feel so confused.

So fucking
Confused.

I'm so fucking confused about myself just when I thought I knew myself.

You came into my life just to stir it up. This must be the sort of confusion inside of you that you have been trying to figure out. I'll admit, I feel proud that I was able to keep up with your philosophical questions our human suffering. I want to believe talking to you has changed your perspective to some extent.

It really surprised me when you sad you loved me. I'm really glad that I see that when I close my eyes instead my intervention when you shown so much hatred.

We were walking back from the unplanned trail and somehow got in the conversation involving my grandma. Telling you how I wished I told people I loved them more, and you encouraged me to say it. I remembered looking at you confused, and I didn't say anything.

Awkwardly in your whimsical voice, you told me you loved me.

Then I said it back.

Then I said that I needed to look into your eyes and tell you the same thing, but maybe some other time. But you told me to look at you.

"Hey, I love you."

"Hey, I love you too."

It was so unreal, I couldn't believe what was happening. The last two day. The only part I planned was having you help me with my car, and going on a drive afterwards, and coming over to sleep over to prepare for the flood.

Anyways Im confused. Whos the vicious women in your life lol. Why did you keep calling me cool. And apparently I dont touch you enough.

Dear E.F.

Dear E.F.,

This message will never get to you, but I need to talk to you.

I need to talk to you because I am so confused. I'm not just confused about you, but now I'm confused about myself. I thought I was okay, doing fine, getting better.

Then I received that phone call. If I can be cliche, I would say that it was the call that changed my life. Or in a macro prospective, the call that changed the life of everyone who ever knew you. It's like a spin top teetering on top of a wooden table. An innocent child's toy that keeps going and looks stable.  Then the force of gravity causes the top to become less stable, starts to wobble, and eventually stops the toy.

You remind me of a spin top; before those chain of events, you seemed very stable and would keep going, or spinning like the top analogy. Then the internal battle inside of you starts to make you wobble, and you are deciding whether you want to stand up or fall down. Then the pressure builds up, and you decided to let the pressure consume you. That rope hanging in your garage is what happens when the toy stops moving.

I really don't understand why you decided to tell me everything and I think about all of this every day. The pictures of you in my mind are very vivid. I surprised myself when I could recount the last few days like it just happened right in front of me, especially since I have a terrible memory. In that sense, I feel like I'm living in the past. I feel stuck. I feel angry. I feel hurt. I feel confused.

I am feeling so many unfamiliar emotions. New emotions that I have never felt before and I can't really find the right adjective.

My heart feels like it's repeatedly dropping deep down into my chest when I think of you. I'm not unfamiliar with this feeling, but I have never felt it drop so much during a period of time. I know it's associated with hurt because I get that feeling whenever I get into bad fights with T. Except I've only felt that dropping heart feeling T, the only person I'm romantically involved with. I've gotten into fights with friends and family but I don't feel the same way when I get upset with them.

My breathing hasten when I look at my phone thinking if I should text you. Even when I stared at that tumblr gif that's supposed to help you calm down by synchronizing your breathing with the blooming and shrinking shapes. I feel so nervous, anxious, and scared because I feel like we are on the edge of our friendship. I don't know if I should approach you or if you should approach me. I know you need time, but why can you hang out with A and K so easily?

The night we stopped you from killing yourself, I couldn't sleep. I managed to feel incredibly awake in 48 hours after just getting 4 hours of sleep the other night. Today I broke down crying in my shower, holding my knees. I have never done that before in my life. This upset feeling is so different from anything I know because I don't feel like puking when I start crying uncontrollably. My heart is like a child going down a slide in a playground, continuously for several minutes. Except it's not experiencing fun, but so much pain.

Then there's the part where I'm more focused in class. And how I haven't eaten anything for several hours but I don't feel dizzy or cranky.

So that's why I am so confused. Because I thought I knew myself, but you proved me wrong.

Is it love?

Do I love you?

Yes, love is a strong word. I love T but this love is different.

I don't want to say it. I really don't.

I guess that would explain why I don't really like Anita. I feel jealous, but I should not feel jealous! I am so appreciative that she is helping you go to class and giving you all the support you need. Also why did I get jealous of Katie when I saw you send her snapchats. You let me in so deeply that our friendship feels so different. One day, I felt very close to you more than anyone else. I felt like I could trust you with all my heart.

Then after that day, you were so different. You weren't the vulnerable guy who held my hand when you let all those tears flood from your eyes. You were so different and angry and hateful. I almost regret helping you because I didn't want to taint the E.F. I knew back then. I remember him being so funny, happy, sincere, and always available to hang out and have a good time. I watched our beach trip videos the other day and even though that trip was closer to the time I almost killed myself, I rather relive those days than go through what I feel right now.

I told you how I only show my friends the tip of the iceberg, and the rest of my is protected by a gate. I'm so superficial in front of all my friends, and they really don't know me. That's why I felt so awkward when you slept over the other night because it was starting to push that boundary. You know my group of friends, right? But they've only felt like people i enjoy having company with. Never people I allowed going through that gate. And yeah, you were one of those people.

So that was our relationship. We didn't really know each other. You were my friend by default because of K. We get food and stuff, but only with group of friends. At that time, it was pretty clear I didn't know you and you didn't know me. Especially through those awkward silences that night.

You know, we have the same form of friendship when you helped us moved in. So that was the last time we had a normal friendship.

But now I'm not sure what we are. You are pushing me away so hard, and my depression is coming back. I'm not in control of my life anymore because of you. I tell your parents that I'm better now, and I don't have those thoughts anymore. Yet, I was driving to the vet and the depressed monster awoken inside of me and I wanted to continue my plans. I don't think I could ever get better until we become friends again.

But most importantly, I need to know why you decided to tell me everything but no one else.