Because I am frustrated at myself with the punchline that
was twenty-three years in the making. Because my mother was right the entire
time. Because I didn’t want to swallow down my pride although I truly believed
I was wrong in the back side of my mind.
In the end, it is you. You must rely on yourself.
At this point, I can foreshadow the future. I am no better
than Eaton, who cycles through the motions subconsciously. And although I
acknowledge that perhaps this was my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten so emotionally
involved. I always thought I could change someone’s life. It was the
reciprocation I craved as an adolescent with the ambition of becoming a doctor.
I try to convince myself that I was obsessed with the science. But in reality,
I’m obsessed with the fluctuation of emotions.
A selfish part of me almost wish I didn’t stay longer any
longer at Katie’s apartment, triggering the chain of events I coincidentally
become involved in. Because in the end, I somehow ended up suffering more than
everyone. As much to my demise, all of the effort put into this almost seems
irrelevant.
I want to go away and live without relying on anyone.
Perhaps I will do that after finals. Vanish without a trace.
Things I thought:
Confiding my secrets for the first time to this person who I
thought deserved my trust. Because he revealed himself to me, and doing this
would set us both on equal footing. I thought that I loved you, which would
explain my every need and desire to be with you. I believed your words, and
thought we would help each other find an answer. Perhaps that would give him
some purpose in life and he would cease to attempt anything to hurt himself.
Because maybe he thinks he needs to take care of me too. At least that’s what I
was hoping.
Things I know:
I am foolish and I let my heart control me more than my
brain. This would be partially my mistake. I do agree to some extent that I was
overwhelming, clingy, annoying, and persistent. But you never told me no. I
know that I had or still might have feelings for you. And although I do admit
that revealing all of me was regrettable, I’m grateful that I was able to tell
someone. That I like the way you look at me when you try. When I look at the
last few weeks, it feels like I forced my way into yours and Katie’s
friendship. Because I was coincidentally there when you had your episode.
But I am quite pissed because I don’t think anyone will know
how much this impacted me. I gave Katie the ride to your place, I was the first
to respond to your when you had your panic attack. I was the one who found your
counsellor to help you control yourself. I stopped you from killing yourself by
“being nosy.” I told everyone so we could try and help you: Katie, Anita, your
Parents, Jim. I gave Jim your discharge papers so that he could try and help
you. I tried to keep you over the weekend to prevent you from overdosing on
medication. And between all of those events: you were consistently mean and
hurtful. I had to sacrifice myself for the sake of others and deal with you
hurting me. Fuck man. Now I realize that I am not as strong as I thought I was.
The outcome of all of this may not seem worth it for me: I lost a lot of weight
because food no longer has taste, the thought of your is completely distracting,
that I had to find other friends to fill that void you left in my heart. I
failed all of my biochemistry exams, quizzes, and dropped linear algebra. I
really sucked academically this term! My chance of killing myself has decreased
because I had to watch you go through the motions.
But you know, I think my depression got worse. I look in the
river and know that this is the one thing that would be successful. Get
hyperthermia, constrict blood flow, loose oxygen in the brain. Die. I don’t
think that I would be any better if you had died that night. Two funerals in a
month would result in the same thing.
Maybe you aren’t ready yet, but you never acknowledged or
showed gratitude for everything above. You really suck.
Things I will do:
Focus on school until finals, which is ten days. Delete all
social media apps, remain invisible to everyone but only answer text messages,
phone calls, and in person conversation? Work out and eat better to get
healthier. Test the waters with Eaton I suppose. I’m secretly hoping he tries
to reach out to me. And if he notices my reluctance, ask if he’s ready to talk?
Yell at him. Ask for him to explain everything and if he still means any of it.
Didn’t you say you’ll help me find the answers together? Why was it always me trying
to reach out to you? It’s as if you used the word love so carelessly. You
really hurt me. I told you everything but you really hurt me.
I want you to be “nosy” too because that’s what happens when
friends get closer. I want you to
No comments:
Post a Comment