Dear E.F,

Actually fuck you.

Because you are probably the worse friend I had and I've given you plenty of chances to redeem yourself. I have been really patient the last few weeks.

You kind of remind me of my cat who catches its prey, just to torture it until he looses interest. And as my cat walk away, the fly is left on the floor on its back, struggling to get on its feet whatever remaining strength is left.

So yes, fuck you.

Also, fuck myself. For the feelings I had for you and for the type of people who I'm attracted to. I found myself chasing the same type of person, and it's quite pathetic that I set that bar really low. And to be honest, I didn't have any romantic feelings for you until you wanted me to touch your hand when we went out that Sunday. And it grew fonder when you stayed over my place during the storm because you were saying weird flattering shit. I really thought that you could replace TM because at one point we really connected and I felt like you truly understood me and I truly understood you. I never wanted to fall in love with you, but perhaps your attracted quality was how you seem to need me and that I thought I could save you. And how it seemed that you understood pain and suffering the same way I do.

You revealed to me some of your charming qualities. Some of your vulnerability, and crying for help. Wanting to pay for meals despite not having money. Small harmless compliments on things which are often overlooked at. My favorite memory was when you walked me out to the front of your house to make sure I leave okay that night we talked about my problems. Then you picking me up outside the library so I don't have to bike back home pretty late at night. Having you telling me you loved me.

But you are mean and moody. Difficult to read, indecisive, inconsistent, dense, cold, unwelcoming. You make me regret opening myself up and revealing so much of me to you. You almost make me regret even helping you through such a hard time. The sudden distance you placed between us really messed me up.

Your actions and behavior falter, and you gravitate towards the first item that sits on your plate.  As a bystander, you seem to wander in the wrong paths. You know those video games where you complete an objective for each area? Once you get what you wanted, you continue on. Then you ask yourself why you keep playing this game when you only accomplish the small quests. Perhaps it's because you don't know how to continue the main story line, you're stuck, and you just want to quit the game.

But I'm really tired of reaching and reaching. In some sick sense, I think that you purposely let this happen for your own selfish reasons given the fact you said that you could tell I really care. It's really stupid that I thought we had something special going on between us, and you were actually someone I could rely on.

So we go on with our lives.

You will keep making short lived friendships. You will keep trying to search for the answers for your questions. When the answer doesn't come to you instantly, you will try to cope and deal with the pain in the most selfish way possible.

I will do my best to figure myself on my own and finish school. I will try to heal and not let our time together distract me too much. I'll pretend that you never said you loved me. I always wondered what the point of this friendship was.  It seems so evident now that you took all you needed from me so you could pretend this never happened. I hate to say that I was fighting for us to stay together because I wanted to prove you wrong.

Before I could move on, I would just like to know that you really, really hurt me. How could you even have the conscience to make me go through that emotional roller coaster just for everything to go back to the way they were? And I think about you everyday because I truly did love you. Hurt is when you feel a thousand needles stabbing your heart when you think about someone. It's when you write stupid blogs like to put your feelings into words because the person you thought you could trust wasn't the right now. A sense of betrayal, abandonment, sadness, grief, and pain which you may never understand.

So this is where I will stop.

Goodbye E.F., I wish you well. I hope you have friends to help you when you fall down. I hope your learned something from our interaction to prevent them from feeling the way I currently am. I hope you don't completely forget about me or anything that happened between us.