I was never supposed to be in the picture in the first place.

So I will slowly erase the graphite etched on the paper.

Isn't that what you wanted?

But why do I still hesitate?

you got me thinking everyday

Because I am frustrated at myself with the punchline that was twenty-three years in the making. Because my mother was right the entire time. Because I didn’t want to swallow down my pride although I truly believed I was wrong in the back side of my mind.

In the end, it is you. You must rely on yourself.

At this point, I can foreshadow the future. I am no better than Eaton, who cycles through the motions subconsciously. And although I acknowledge that perhaps this was my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten so emotionally involved. I always thought I could change someone’s life. It was the reciprocation I craved as an adolescent with the ambition of becoming a doctor. I try to convince myself that I was obsessed with the science. But in reality, I’m obsessed with the fluctuation of emotions.

A selfish part of me almost wish I didn’t stay longer any longer at Katie’s apartment, triggering the chain of events I coincidentally become involved in. Because in the end, I somehow ended up suffering more than everyone. As much to my demise, all of the effort put into this almost seems irrelevant.

I want to go away and live without relying on anyone. Perhaps I will do that after finals. Vanish without a trace.

Things I thought:

Confiding my secrets for the first time to this person who I thought deserved my trust. Because he revealed himself to me, and doing this would set us both on equal footing. I thought that I loved you, which would explain my every need and desire to be with you. I believed your words, and thought we would help each other find an answer. Perhaps that would give him some purpose in life and he would cease to attempt anything to hurt himself. Because maybe he thinks he needs to take care of me too. At least that’s what I was hoping.

Things I know:

I am foolish and I let my heart control me more than my brain. This would be partially my mistake. I do agree to some extent that I was overwhelming, clingy, annoying, and persistent. But you never told me no. I know that I had or still might have feelings for you. And although I do admit that revealing all of me was regrettable, I’m grateful that I was able to tell someone. That I like the way you look at me when you try. When I look at the last few weeks, it feels like I forced my way into yours and Katie’s friendship. Because I was coincidentally there when you had your episode.

But I am quite pissed because I don’t think anyone will know how much this impacted me. I gave Katie the ride to your place, I was the first to respond to your when you had your panic attack. I was the one who found your counsellor to help you control yourself. I stopped you from killing yourself by “being nosy.” I told everyone so we could try and help you: Katie, Anita, your Parents, Jim. I gave Jim your discharge papers so that he could try and help you. I tried to keep you over the weekend to prevent you from overdosing on medication. And between all of those events: you were consistently mean and hurtful. I had to sacrifice myself for the sake of others and deal with you hurting me. Fuck man. Now I realize that I am not as strong as I thought I was. The outcome of all of this may not seem worth it for me: I lost a lot of weight because food no longer has taste, the thought of your is completely distracting, that I had to find other friends to fill that void you left in my heart. I failed all of my biochemistry exams, quizzes, and dropped linear algebra. I really sucked academically this term! My chance of killing myself has decreased because I had to watch you go through the motions.

But you know, I think my depression got worse. I look in the river and know that this is the one thing that would be successful. Get hyperthermia, constrict blood flow, loose oxygen in the brain. Die. I don’t think that I would be any better if you had died that night. Two funerals in a month would result in the same thing.

Maybe you aren’t ready yet, but you never acknowledged or showed gratitude for everything above. You really suck.

Things I will do:

Focus on school until finals, which is ten days. Delete all social media apps, remain invisible to everyone but only answer text messages, phone calls, and in person conversation? Work out and eat better to get healthier. Test the waters with Eaton I suppose. I’m secretly hoping he tries to reach out to me. And if he notices my reluctance, ask if he’s ready to talk? Yell at him. Ask for him to explain everything and if he still means any of it. Didn’t you say you’ll help me find the answers together? Why was it always me trying to reach out to you? It’s as if you used the word love so carelessly. You really hurt me. I told you everything but you really hurt me.

I want you to be “nosy” too because that’s what happens when friends get closer. I want you to

Dear E.F,

Actually fuck you.

Because you are probably the worse friend I had and I've given you plenty of chances to redeem yourself. I have been really patient the last few weeks.

You kind of remind me of my cat who catches its prey, just to torture it until he looses interest. And as my cat walk away, the fly is left on the floor on its back, struggling to get on its feet whatever remaining strength is left.

So yes, fuck you.

Also, fuck myself. For the feelings I had for you and for the type of people who I'm attracted to. I found myself chasing the same type of person, and it's quite pathetic that I set that bar really low. And to be honest, I didn't have any romantic feelings for you until you wanted me to touch your hand when we went out that Sunday. And it grew fonder when you stayed over my place during the storm because you were saying weird flattering shit. I really thought that you could replace TM because at one point we really connected and I felt like you truly understood me and I truly understood you. I never wanted to fall in love with you, but perhaps your attracted quality was how you seem to need me and that I thought I could save you. And how it seemed that you understood pain and suffering the same way I do.

You revealed to me some of your charming qualities. Some of your vulnerability, and crying for help. Wanting to pay for meals despite not having money. Small harmless compliments on things which are often overlooked at. My favorite memory was when you walked me out to the front of your house to make sure I leave okay that night we talked about my problems. Then you picking me up outside the library so I don't have to bike back home pretty late at night. Having you telling me you loved me.

But you are mean and moody. Difficult to read, indecisive, inconsistent, dense, cold, unwelcoming. You make me regret opening myself up and revealing so much of me to you. You almost make me regret even helping you through such a hard time. The sudden distance you placed between us really messed me up.

Your actions and behavior falter, and you gravitate towards the first item that sits on your plate.  As a bystander, you seem to wander in the wrong paths. You know those video games where you complete an objective for each area? Once you get what you wanted, you continue on. Then you ask yourself why you keep playing this game when you only accomplish the small quests. Perhaps it's because you don't know how to continue the main story line, you're stuck, and you just want to quit the game.

But I'm really tired of reaching and reaching. In some sick sense, I think that you purposely let this happen for your own selfish reasons given the fact you said that you could tell I really care. It's really stupid that I thought we had something special going on between us, and you were actually someone I could rely on.

So we go on with our lives.

You will keep making short lived friendships. You will keep trying to search for the answers for your questions. When the answer doesn't come to you instantly, you will try to cope and deal with the pain in the most selfish way possible.

I will do my best to figure myself on my own and finish school. I will try to heal and not let our time together distract me too much. I'll pretend that you never said you loved me. I always wondered what the point of this friendship was.  It seems so evident now that you took all you needed from me so you could pretend this never happened. I hate to say that I was fighting for us to stay together because I wanted to prove you wrong.

Before I could move on, I would just like to know that you really, really hurt me. How could you even have the conscience to make me go through that emotional roller coaster just for everything to go back to the way they were? And I think about you everyday because I truly did love you. Hurt is when you feel a thousand needles stabbing your heart when you think about someone. It's when you write stupid blogs like to put your feelings into words because the person you thought you could trust wasn't the right now. A sense of betrayal, abandonment, sadness, grief, and pain which you may never understand.

So this is where I will stop.

Goodbye E.F., I wish you well. I hope you have friends to help you when you fall down. I hope your learned something from our interaction to prevent them from feeling the way I currently am. I hope you don't completely forget about me or anything that happened between us.

Storyline

Lead - After a series of events, she realizes that she needs to take back her life and rediscovers who she truly is.  She finally acknowledges the ugly truth in her current relationship and is trying to find an explanation for her foreign feelings.

Lead has feelings for both Fiance and Friend E.

Fiance - Has been with Lead for 8 years and has been achieving life-long dreams without accounting the Lead's effort and sacrifices she puts in the relationship. Currently experiencing problems with lead and is starting to notice the distance increase between them.

Friend K - Both Lead's and Friend E's best friend. Has had a history with Friend E, which was a potential love interest at first. 

Friend S - Friend B's boyfriend, complicated. Comfortable companionship, which could be Friend K's rebound after a recent break up from another complicated relationship. 

Friend E - Lead's good friend, but undistinguished boundaries of closeness after Lead saved him from suicide attempt. Although he told Lead he loved her, he's preventing himself from potentially falling in love with her by setting a distance that is acquaintance like based. 

Friend E has feelings for Friend A, Friend K, and Lead.

Friend A - Friend A's complicated relationship. She feels obligated to stay with Friend E after his suicide attempt, although their relationship has been worsening his depression.

What is love?

What is happiness?

Why do we suffer?

6 Questions

Dear E.F,

You owe me six answers because you allowed me to play my silly game with made up rules last night via text.

Question 1. What am I to you right now?
Because we clearly do not have the same relationship as you and KC or AC. Although, I do understand that there will be no relationship which are identical to each other. But I don't understand how you would treat me more coldly than KC.

Question 2. Do you still love me?
Because you really don't seem like you do. To some extent, I do believe you meant those words when you said them during the heat of the moment. Because I did stop you from killing yourself and went completely out of my way to make sure you were okay. But now as everything starts to normalize, I see us drifting further and further apart.

Question 3. If you do love me, why?
You said love is comfortable. But I am certain there is more than that which makes you able to say something so strong. It almost seems too soon to say that you love me because we've only got close that week. Have you always loved me?

Question 4. Did it bother you when I was showing affection?
Because you said I wasn't 'touching you enough,' and then I kinda went all out after that since I really wanted you to feel better and be okay. BUT THEN you told me how that stretch move was disrespecting their personal bubble and how it was awkward. I can't help but feel pretty insulted.

Question 5. Do you see through the holes in the walls with me? Do you think you know the answers for my questions?

Question 6. Did you know I fell in love with you?
Did you know I fell in love with you? Because you are comfortable to me and all I want is to make you happy right now. And maybe it's because I think I know you, the goods and bads, but yet I still want you to be with me. And maybe it's because I believe I could help you because I could see through you.