Dear E.F.

Dear E.F.,

This message will never get to you, but I need to talk to you.

I need to talk to you because I am so confused. I'm not just confused about you, but now I'm confused about myself. I thought I was okay, doing fine, getting better.

Then I received that phone call. If I can be cliche, I would say that it was the call that changed my life. Or in a macro prospective, the call that changed the life of everyone who ever knew you. It's like a spin top teetering on top of a wooden table. An innocent child's toy that keeps going and looks stable.  Then the force of gravity causes the top to become less stable, starts to wobble, and eventually stops the toy.

You remind me of a spin top; before those chain of events, you seemed very stable and would keep going, or spinning like the top analogy. Then the internal battle inside of you starts to make you wobble, and you are deciding whether you want to stand up or fall down. Then the pressure builds up, and you decided to let the pressure consume you. That rope hanging in your garage is what happens when the toy stops moving.

I really don't understand why you decided to tell me everything and I think about all of this every day. The pictures of you in my mind are very vivid. I surprised myself when I could recount the last few days like it just happened right in front of me, especially since I have a terrible memory. In that sense, I feel like I'm living in the past. I feel stuck. I feel angry. I feel hurt. I feel confused.

I am feeling so many unfamiliar emotions. New emotions that I have never felt before and I can't really find the right adjective.

My heart feels like it's repeatedly dropping deep down into my chest when I think of you. I'm not unfamiliar with this feeling, but I have never felt it drop so much during a period of time. I know it's associated with hurt because I get that feeling whenever I get into bad fights with T. Except I've only felt that dropping heart feeling T, the only person I'm romantically involved with. I've gotten into fights with friends and family but I don't feel the same way when I get upset with them.

My breathing hasten when I look at my phone thinking if I should text you. Even when I stared at that tumblr gif that's supposed to help you calm down by synchronizing your breathing with the blooming and shrinking shapes. I feel so nervous, anxious, and scared because I feel like we are on the edge of our friendship. I don't know if I should approach you or if you should approach me. I know you need time, but why can you hang out with A and K so easily?

The night we stopped you from killing yourself, I couldn't sleep. I managed to feel incredibly awake in 48 hours after just getting 4 hours of sleep the other night. Today I broke down crying in my shower, holding my knees. I have never done that before in my life. This upset feeling is so different from anything I know because I don't feel like puking when I start crying uncontrollably. My heart is like a child going down a slide in a playground, continuously for several minutes. Except it's not experiencing fun, but so much pain.

Then there's the part where I'm more focused in class. And how I haven't eaten anything for several hours but I don't feel dizzy or cranky.

So that's why I am so confused. Because I thought I knew myself, but you proved me wrong.

Is it love?

Do I love you?

Yes, love is a strong word. I love T but this love is different.

I don't want to say it. I really don't.

I guess that would explain why I don't really like Anita. I feel jealous, but I should not feel jealous! I am so appreciative that she is helping you go to class and giving you all the support you need. Also why did I get jealous of Katie when I saw you send her snapchats. You let me in so deeply that our friendship feels so different. One day, I felt very close to you more than anyone else. I felt like I could trust you with all my heart.

Then after that day, you were so different. You weren't the vulnerable guy who held my hand when you let all those tears flood from your eyes. You were so different and angry and hateful. I almost regret helping you because I didn't want to taint the E.F. I knew back then. I remember him being so funny, happy, sincere, and always available to hang out and have a good time. I watched our beach trip videos the other day and even though that trip was closer to the time I almost killed myself, I rather relive those days than go through what I feel right now.

I told you how I only show my friends the tip of the iceberg, and the rest of my is protected by a gate. I'm so superficial in front of all my friends, and they really don't know me. That's why I felt so awkward when you slept over the other night because it was starting to push that boundary. You know my group of friends, right? But they've only felt like people i enjoy having company with. Never people I allowed going through that gate. And yeah, you were one of those people.

So that was our relationship. We didn't really know each other. You were my friend by default because of K. We get food and stuff, but only with group of friends. At that time, it was pretty clear I didn't know you and you didn't know me. Especially through those awkward silences that night.

You know, we have the same form of friendship when you helped us moved in. So that was the last time we had a normal friendship.

But now I'm not sure what we are. You are pushing me away so hard, and my depression is coming back. I'm not in control of my life anymore because of you. I tell your parents that I'm better now, and I don't have those thoughts anymore. Yet, I was driving to the vet and the depressed monster awoken inside of me and I wanted to continue my plans. I don't think I could ever get better until we become friends again.

But most importantly, I need to know why you decided to tell me everything but no one else.