Dear E.F.

It seems now these days I want to say a lot to you. Sometimes I hold it in because it isn't the right time. Sometimes I hold it in because I don't know how to put it into words. Bust most of all, I hold it in because I care about you.

Honestly, you have always been on my mind since you reached out to us last Friday. I am almost so angry that you had your triggers and reached out to me because I finally felt that my life was under control. I couldn't tell you that because I knew you wouldn't be able to handle the guilt, but deep down inside you knew. And actually, you mentioned it twice during the last two days.

Well, I'm thinking too much maybe. Just as you said when I rested my head on your shoulders, forcing you to watch this anime while we took a break from studying.

And even though you are doing better now than you were a couple days ago, I'm still having trouble sleeping and eating. An unpleasant churning above my rib cage that's been way too familiar since you reached out. More so, I think that churning has transitioned from upset that you're suffering to upset that I feel so confused.

So fucking
Confused.

I'm so fucking confused about myself just when I thought I knew myself.

You came into my life just to stir it up. This must be the sort of confusion inside of you that you have been trying to figure out. I'll admit, I feel proud that I was able to keep up with your philosophical questions our human suffering. I want to believe talking to you has changed your perspective to some extent.

It really surprised me when you sad you loved me. I'm really glad that I see that when I close my eyes instead my intervention when you shown so much hatred.

We were walking back from the unplanned trail and somehow got in the conversation involving my grandma. Telling you how I wished I told people I loved them more, and you encouraged me to say it. I remembered looking at you confused, and I didn't say anything.

Awkwardly in your whimsical voice, you told me you loved me.

Then I said it back.

Then I said that I needed to look into your eyes and tell you the same thing, but maybe some other time. But you told me to look at you.

"Hey, I love you."

"Hey, I love you too."

It was so unreal, I couldn't believe what was happening. The last two day. The only part I planned was having you help me with my car, and going on a drive afterwards, and coming over to sleep over to prepare for the flood.

Anyways Im confused. Whos the vicious women in your life lol. Why did you keep calling me cool. And apparently I dont touch you enough.